Dear LFTP: Ralph calls three or four times a week
- How can I get my retired friend Ralph to call less frequently without being rude?
The letter: 'Ralph,' a longtime best friend, retired and is bored, so he calls three or four times a week 'even when there's nothing new to talk about,' rehashing the same things; subtle hints haven't worked; letting it go to voicemail just earns a callback request. 'How can I get him to call less frequently?' Dan: if you're truly friends, be forthright - 'let's schedule time, once a week or something.' Ben: if you're close enough, say 'Ralph, you seem lonely, my man' - he told you the same story three of four calls - and encourage him to find more people: 'you cannot... one person can't carry the burden of... loneliness.' Branch out: senior center, church, bingo hall. 'You will end up with what you will tolerate' - if Ralph's urgency becomes your urgency by always calling back, he'll expect it; renegotiate the terms, and if it continues, 'just don't call him back... you have that power.' Set him up for success, not failure, or the friendship breaks. The Secular answer: no obligation to call back a voicemail with no reason urgently; when he brings up a worn-out topic, 'we talked about this a few days ago,' then change the subject. Final diagnosis: 'either Ralph you need more friends or you need more stories.'
More on Boundaries
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Dear LFTP: the mother-in-law moved in
- My mother-in-law moved in seven months ago and it’s been difficult — how can we sort this out?
The last letter comes from a wife whose mother-in-law moved in seven months ago with no boundaries, rising bills, unpaid prescriptions, and open disrespect.
From No. 604 · Rearview Mirror
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Dear LFTP: the senior-living handshake letter, and the close
- How can a senior-living resident politely decline the dining-room manager's handshakes?
Mike reads the second Dear LFTP letter: a senior-living resident whose dining-room manager (Manny) shakes hands at residents' tables, and who dodges with wet or greasy hands — how to decline politely?
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Dear LFTP: the fiance who games until 5AM
- What should the letter-writer do about her fiance's all-night gaming habit?
Mike reads a Dear LFTP letter from a woman engaged five years to Dustin, who games from 10PM to 5AM, skips chores, and gives her no attention; talking has not helped since 'he grew up gaming.'
From No. 598 · Emphasis | Accountability, Worship and Praying with Strangers
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Dear LFTP: the retired people-pleaser and her boundary-blurring friends
- How should a people-pleasing retired woman handle friends who ignore her 'I need advance notice' boundary?
Mike reads a letter from a single retired woman with a side business, frustrated by friends who invite her last-minute, get annoyed when she declines, and tie her up with 'utter nonsense' calls and texts despite her 'I need advance notice' replies.
From No. 597 · Maybe A Word From God